|Yes! An interview with yet another member of the infamous Hate In
The Box! Delve into the twisted mind of Optimus Crime, the mad
scientist behind the wicked instruments of NYC's candy-coated horror
rock ensemble. Scary Jerry talks with him about brainwashing, world
domination, and Bernie Mac. How are these things connected? All will
be revealed. Read ahead to find out. Also, read the review or visit
their headquarters by clicking the banner above.
Scary: Thanks for taking the time to do the interview. It's great
to get a look inside the mind behind the machines of Hate In
The Box. So what would you call yourself anyway... a criminal
mastermind or evil genius?
Optimus: A criminal genius. A criminal mastermind claims
responsibility for the successes of others, only to suffer their
consequences. An evil genius is soon defeated by Megaman.
Scary: You know, my all time favorite toy maker is the Puppet
Master. If you had to take on his puppets, do you have any
secret weapons that you would use against them?
Optimus: If I told you, they would be better prepared. If I now
tell you lies to misinform them, they will know. Still ,I know they
are listening, so I say to them: You do not demonstrate the
adaptability of the Leprechaun.
Scary: I know that Hate In The Box utilizes its own brand of
brainwashing to keep the fans coming back. Do you have any
plans to use these devices on record execs?
Optimus: I'm much more interested in pleasing fans than execs.
Fans buy the CDs, shirts, and flamethrowers that fund my
Cinnamon Toast Crunch habit, not any label.
Scary: Cinnamon Toast Crunch does make it all worthwhile. If I
had such power, I would use it to show the execs how much
the mainstream sucks and then just let nature take its course.
What band or artist do you think would be the first to go if that
Optimus: Horrors! That would be such a sudden shock to
everyone the world would effectively end. We'd be living in the
world of Fallout sniping each other with slingshots and dodging
clockwork cardboard cut-outs of mutant scorpions come to life.
But we would survive. My brother watches Discovery Channel.
Scary: I understand that you've made a couple new additions
to the line-up. How's that working out? Has that changed your
approach to songwriting?
Optimus: Ever since I figured out how to drain the musical
knowledge out of one sentient and imbue it in another, line-up
changes don't disrupt anything. Songs write themselves. You'll
have to ask if they feel any different.
Scary: I was checking out the recent changes to the Hate In
The Box website. It's looking great. Are all these improvements
any indication that your plans for world domination are
growing closer to fruition?
Optimus: The smart pills I engineered for the TechGnomes has
made them like Fraggles on speed. Everything is proceeding
ahead of schedule. When the world is under my control, in two
weeks time it will suck because I'll have to keep it a secret, lest
the assassination attempts begin in earnest.
Scary: I've kept my plans very secret, but I will say that I draw a
great deal of inspiration from Stewie of the Family Guy series.
Who has had the most influence in making you what you are
Optimus: I have a memory problem so role models are fleeting.
Lately I've been thinking about the first generation of combat
pilots. If you've ever seen the planes they flew, you just know
those guys had the magic combination of skill and psychoses.
Most people fear flying. Most people fear taking responsibility.
Most people fear the unproven and uncertain. So imagine the
kind of person it took to fly, taking responsibility for your own
life, miles up in the air in a contraption almost no one before
you has used. Then go to war. Knowing that people did that,
how can you fear something as trivial as someone not liking
your song or how you look on stage?
Scary: Kind of makes you wonder who was the first to say
"You know, we should take some kind of big, collapsible
balloon thingy with us, just in case something goes wrong up
there." I have the Thirty Minutes of Hate disc, but thirty minutes
just isn't enough to satisfy my Hate cravings. Any plans for a
"Home Movie In The Box"?
Optimus: Oh yeah! Although combing through the footage we
have so far, it's going to be a challenge to not incriminate
ourselves while still sharing the entertaining parts.
Scary: As you may know, I've been working on some short
films. If I made a big budget picture about Hate In The Box,
what actor would you pick to portray you?
Optimus: Some people say Johnny Depp should do it. But I
know that the actor most qualified to play Optimus Crime is
undoubtably Bernie Mac.
Scary: The title could be Hate In The Box: The Mac Attack. The
sequel, of course, would have to be Hate In The Box 2: The
Mac Is Back! Though I do like the sound of Hate In The Box 2:
The Technicolor Buggaloo. To truly tap into the depths of your
mind, I'd like to try a little word association. Just say the first
thing that comes to your mind.
Optimus: ...with it
Optimus: ...girl or boy?
Scary: Hmmm... just as I suspected... narcissistic, impatient,
and confused about your own sexuality. Freud would suggest
gardening and keeping a dream journal. Thanks again for your
time. I'll let you get back to your experiments. Any words of
warning you'd like to leave us with?
Optimus: Our new guitarist sexually abuses cats.
Scary: Freud would suggest keeping your cat far, far away
from this individual!
Interview by- Scary Jerry
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